theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
