oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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