so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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