So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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