I wanna passion pit in your ass
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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