you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
