hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
