laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
