i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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