Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
