girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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