I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
that's an acceptable place to lick
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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