I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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