I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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