She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
