What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize