So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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