you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
