So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
