My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
