I can tuck mytits in my pants
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
