I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need help removing her.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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