You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
