So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize