When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
