Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
