I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
