He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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