every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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