So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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