Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
