Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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