I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize