If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
