You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize