worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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