i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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