I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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