Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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