I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize