Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
