its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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