so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize