Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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