that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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