it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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