Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
