thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
