at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize