I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
