But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
