So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
