hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
