Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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