So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
